The thing about having
a crush is that it sucks you dry. It takes your time, giving additional
breakage to your split ends, adding more lines to your aging skin and can totally
make you a klutz due to days of missing. Worse, you stare blankly at the sky with
a developing grin making someone doubt your sanity as they accidentally see you
in your stupor.
We all undergo this
passage when all our hormones are raging and blame our genetic legacy why we
were not gifted. It all begins on a one fine morning when the world is on our
side and from afar we see a heavenly sight, so pleasing if only our tonsils can
shout in glee and our heart beats as fast as the leopard. We smile to ourselves but when the object of our affection is within arms reach we
pretend as if no one was there. We abhor their presence especially if
unprepared and yearn for their scents or shadows when they are not around. Call
it crazy but no matter how confident we are on certain matters, we get tongue
tied, we get catatonic when they are present worse our speech transforms like
that of an infant. “Hi” then an uncertain smile then leave. For someone out of
stratosphere it may be the shortest conversation but for us it will
forever envelope our memories, keeping us awake at night. If only we can
develop wings turn midnight or teleport ourselves to the closets of our desires
or be invisible just to observe them in their day to day lives. What they eat,
how they lose their bowels and all those little things. Call it creepy
but we reach that certain point that we search a memory or find a memento, take
example not washing your shirt after they touch you, thinking at the end of the
day at the confines of your room that their hand is still their clutching your
shoulder softly or giving you a free massage. Despite all the audio-visual
hallucinations, we find comfort in this near psychiatric measures even losing
our neuronal circuitry to satiate our temporary madness.
We go on in this hysterical state hoping that this deep
dark secret of ours will never be unveiled until the moment that people starts
to stare at you and talk behind your back. Really? A crush on that person? The
nerve! And then we get paranoid. We lose our logic, our confidence withers and
our personality vanishes.
We would rather hide under the sheets than have a breath of fresh air. We would slowly wilt away like a plant
placed under the heat of the sun until our moisture dries up. Our crush can bring us hope or dampen our spirits. But the fact remains that they can change our life
perspective. And then we try to do all things to forget them, to stop them from
recurring in our thoughts, controlling our brain. We try hardest until our
reserves are used, until the moment that we want the ground to swallow us up
and the world to end. But reality bites and we try to live one day at a time,
hoping that we survive in one piece. Our spirits broken and our flesh destroyed
but we slowly pick up the pieces and retrieve our sanity. Seconds seem
like days and days seem like years. We blame ourselves with endless questions in
mind. We cry until our tear ducts scream, we doubt ourselves and curse our
existence until our bodies get numbed and accustomed to all the drama. We are
alive but we don’t live at all. But we fight, we fight for we know that we
should take control, we try to build what is left until we wake up one morning
and the feeling is gone. Like atlas had lifted the world on our shoulders. We
then live the life we should have lived. And we recover ourselves and the people
we had lost in the process. We stand up because we know we will
survive. And life continues until that one fine morning when another heavenly
sight will appear again but we already know what to do yet sometimes, most of that sometimes, we subject ourselves back in the same old process again.
Familiar music below to enjoy your read. Credits to the respective artist.
