CRUSH

The thing about having a crush is that it sucks you dry. It takes your time, giving additional breakage to your split ends, adding more lines to your aging skin and can totally make you a klutz due to days of missing. Worse, you stare blankly at the sky with a developing grin making someone doubt your sanity as they accidentally see you in your stupor.

We all undergo this passage when all our hormones are raging and blame our genetic legacy why we were not gifted. It all begins on a one fine morning when the world is on our side and from afar we see a heavenly sight, so pleasing if only our tonsils can shout in glee and our heart beats as fast as the leopard. We smile to ourselves but when the object of our affection is within arms reach we pretend as if no one was there. We abhor their presence especially if unprepared and yearn for their scents or shadows when they are not around. Call it crazy but no matter how confident we are on certain matters, we get tongue tied, we get catatonic when they are present worse our speech transforms like that of an infant. “Hi” then an uncertain smile then leave. For someone out of stratosphere it may be the shortest conversation but for us it will forever envelope our memories, keeping us awake at night. If only we can develop wings turn midnight or teleport ourselves to the closets of our desires or be invisible just to observe them in their day to day lives. What they eat, how they lose their bowels and all those little things. Call it creepy but we reach that certain point that we search a memory or find a memento, take example not washing your shirt after they touch you, thinking at the end of the day at the confines of your room that their hand is still their clutching your shoulder softly or giving you a free massage. Despite all the audio-visual hallucinations, we find comfort in this near psychiatric measures even losing our neuronal circuitry to satiate our temporary madness. 

          We go on in this hysterical state hoping that this deep dark secret of ours will never be unveiled until the moment that people starts to stare at you and talk behind your back. Really? A crush on that person? The nerve! And then we get paranoid. We lose our logic, our confidence withers and our personality vanishes.    

          We would rather hide under the sheets than have a breath of fresh air. We would slowly wilt away like a plant placed under the heat of the sun until our moisture dries up. Our crush can bring us hope or dampen our spirits. But the fact remains that they can change our life perspective. And then we try to do all things to forget them, to stop them from recurring in our thoughts, controlling our brain. We try hardest until our reserves are used, until the moment that we want the ground to swallow us up and the world to end. But reality bites and we try to live one day at a time, hoping that we survive in one piece. Our spirits broken and our flesh destroyed but we slowly pick up the pieces and retrieve our sanity. Seconds seem like days and days seem like years. We blame ourselves with endless questions in mind. We cry until our tear ducts scream, we doubt ourselves and curse our existence until our bodies get numbed and accustomed to all the drama. We are alive but we don’t live at all. But we fight, we fight for we know that we should take control, we try to build what is left until we wake up one morning and the feeling is gone. Like atlas had lifted the world on our shoulders. We then live the life we should have lived. And we recover ourselves and the people we had lost in the process. We stand up because we know we will survive. And life continues until that one fine morning when another heavenly sight will appear again but we already know what to do yet sometimes, most of that sometimes, we subject ourselves back in the same old process again.

 Familiar music below to enjoy your read. Credits to the respective artist.