The Ugly Duckling

I was born different. When my sisters skin was white as now, mine was the color of soil granting the title: "Anak ng Lupa." Even though the world awaited for my arrival, I came short of expectations. My mother was in labor for several hours bearing all the pain while my father was outside the delivery room, disturbed yet excited. They showered me with all the love even waking up in the wee hours of morning just to check if I have acquired any insect bites.

Growing up was quite a challenge. As my sister blossom into a beautiful princess. I remained to be ordinary, lanky with crooked teeth. Jokingly, my sister would tell me I was found at a garbage bin, crying, alone and my parents were kind enough to give me a life. In reply, I told her you were found on the river bed! Sibling rivalry at its finest. Few years later, my mother bore another child, unexpected, as our age difference was a decade. But it brought me pure joy to have him. The teenage years have been a struggle, as my friends and classmates were changing for the better, I remained platonic, with even darker skin due to swimming and my tooth enough to open a soda bottle. Worst, when I was mistaken as a cousin while my younger brother and I were walking around the mall. It was hard to go to school, it was difficult to go on relationships and even harder to build friendships without being insecure. Self-esteem was plummeting and I have to go on living despite the hardships. I was contented of being a wallpaper slowly fading away in the background. I was judged by my appearance, by the clothes I wear, by the choices I make, by the life I had. Even my bestfriend was rude enough to leave me out in the open instead of supporting me. To each his own. And so, it doesn't come as a surprise when news of school shooting or teen suicide surfaces. I almost reached to that point but my gut was telling me otherwise. My parents never left me even my sister was there to support but at this age you try to sort out things within yourself. You try to tell the world that I can surpass these challenges while slowly being destroyed inside. You remember the faces of those who mock you at night, you try hard to find solutions for people to accept you as who you are and worst, there are times you rather stay in bed than pretend to be alive in a living world. You try accept things as they are, pretend to be unaffected even when it hurts, like a bulletproof blocking all the momentum of sadness in the hopes that one day this will end, the torture, the drama. And yet that day never came but instead gave me the realization that life has more to offer. I decided to focus all my energy to what I was good at, swimming and sciences. I began to take care of myself and subjected myself to years of braces. I realized that you can converse well with braces and it gives you a sudden shift with your status.

I went to college leaving the past behind, hoping to have a better life. My features improved, my teeth straightened like that of a toothpaste ad and life seemed to get better. College life was rather liberating, people was less conscious of their appearance and was banking more on character. I became more productive, more active and popular. I became the subject of rumors, a ladies man, instead of ridicule. So this is how it feels to be the center of attention. It became a daunting task to maintain peoples perception of me. But I have been to that road of uncertainty and I am not willing to go back. And instead of going back to my old self, I remained true to my values and followed my new principles. And life became manageable.

Life is indeed a balance. The people who have mocked me and hurt me for quite some time has spiraled to the worst. Life, has its own weirdness of letting you realize that everything shall pass, that life is a cycle, what is up must come down and vice-versa. Karma has its own way of pacifying people who has injected a lot of negative energy in this world. And I have no plans to reiterate. I must say this journey of mine involved people whose hearts of gold will never be forgotten. Life requires you to stay strong if needed and accept defeat as they come. We learn from our mistakes and we learn from other lives. And whatever turnout you'll have should not be the fault of others for we have the power to choose. Life will never be perfect but we have all the reason to live a life we truly deserve.

CRUSH

The thing about having a crush is that it sucks you dry. It takes your time, giving additional breakage to your split ends, adding more lines to your aging skin and can totally make you a klutz due to days of missing. Worse, you stare blankly at the sky with a developing grin making someone doubt your sanity as they accidentally see you in your stupor.

We all undergo this passage when all our hormones are raging and blame our genetic legacy why we were not gifted. It all begins on a one fine morning when the world is on our side and from afar we see a heavenly sight, so pleasing if only our tonsils can shout in glee and our heart beats as fast as the leopard. We smile to ourselves but when the object of our affection is within arms reach we pretend as if no one was there. We abhor their presence especially if unprepared and yearn for their scents or shadows when they are not around. Call it crazy but no matter how confident we are on certain matters, we get tongue tied, we get catatonic when they are present worse our speech transforms like that of an infant. “Hi” then an uncertain smile then leave. For someone out of stratosphere it may be the shortest conversation but for us it will forever envelope our memories, keeping us awake at night. If only we can develop wings turn midnight or teleport ourselves to the closets of our desires or be invisible just to observe them in their day to day lives. What they eat, how they lose their bowels and all those little things. Call it creepy but we reach that certain point that we search a memory or find a memento, take example not washing your shirt after they touch you, thinking at the end of the day at the confines of your room that their hand is still their clutching your shoulder softly or giving you a free massage. Despite all the audio-visual hallucinations, we find comfort in this near psychiatric measures even losing our neuronal circuitry to satiate our temporary madness. 

          We go on in this hysterical state hoping that this deep dark secret of ours will never be unveiled until the moment that people starts to stare at you and talk behind your back. Really? A crush on that person? The nerve! And then we get paranoid. We lose our logic, our confidence withers and our personality vanishes.    

          We would rather hide under the sheets than have a breath of fresh air. We would slowly wilt away like a plant placed under the heat of the sun until our moisture dries up. Our crush can bring us hope or dampen our spirits. But the fact remains that they can change our life perspective. And then we try to do all things to forget them, to stop them from recurring in our thoughts, controlling our brain. We try hardest until our reserves are used, until the moment that we want the ground to swallow us up and the world to end. But reality bites and we try to live one day at a time, hoping that we survive in one piece. Our spirits broken and our flesh destroyed but we slowly pick up the pieces and retrieve our sanity. Seconds seem like days and days seem like years. We blame ourselves with endless questions in mind. We cry until our tear ducts scream, we doubt ourselves and curse our existence until our bodies get numbed and accustomed to all the drama. We are alive but we don’t live at all. But we fight, we fight for we know that we should take control, we try to build what is left until we wake up one morning and the feeling is gone. Like atlas had lifted the world on our shoulders. We then live the life we should have lived. And we recover ourselves and the people we had lost in the process. We stand up because we know we will survive. And life continues until that one fine morning when another heavenly sight will appear again but we already know what to do yet sometimes, most of that sometimes, we subject ourselves back in the same old process again.

 Familiar music below to enjoy your read. Credits to the respective artist.